'e shoots, emancipates!

february 1, 1865

mood: ebullient
listening to: drum-and-fife mixtape

so congress totally approved the 13th amendment yesterday, the one that puts the kibosh on the whole slavery thing. emanzzipation in the hizzouse! now we just have to get some of the states to ratify it (i don't know, like 2/3 of them, or something) and then it's in the CONSTITUTION, beeyorches! then if you have a slave, i can show up at your house and be like, "um, hello? it says right here in the effing CONSTITUTION: NO SLAVES!" that will be rad.

of course, getting 2/3 of the states to approve it might be tough, since 2/3 of the states right now are shooting guns at us. but assuming the whole war thing gets sorted out, we'll have ourselves an amendment. the best. amendment. EVAR.

Time for Reconstruction

november 10, 1864

mood: hungover
listening to: silence. blessed silence.

OMG i am soooooooo hungover right now. remind me never to get reelected again. that party was off. The. Hook! in my honor they arranged a bunch of beer bottles into the shape of a log cabin, and we sang raucous party songs such as "when johnny comes marching home" and "battle cry of freedom." the white houze was totally rocken. then it got really out of control, and it was so hilarious, you should have seen vice-prezident-elect andrew johnson doin shots off secretary of war edwin stanton's bare chest! im pretty sure neither one of them will remember it today, but i think someone got a daguerreotype of it.

but now i feel like kuh-rap. i got up and looked in the mirror this morning and i was like, "holy crap, i look like abraham lincoln." i don't mind telling you, i am not a handsome man. and today i am the least handsomest i've ever been. eww, what if someday my face is on currency? sec. of treasury salmon chase is on the $1 bill right now, and i'm not "merry" or anything, but he's a damn handsome man. if i saw my face on something, i would throw up, which i might do right now anyway.

i am able to sustain an election!

november 9, 1864

mood: jubilant
listening to: hail to the chief

woo-hoo! guess who won his bid for reelection yesterday? i'll give you a hint: it sure as heck wasn't insubordinate army commander-turned-politican george b. mcclellan!! that loser only won three states, and they were states i didn't want anyway -- smellaware, new jerkey and kenyucky.

so i'm prez again! boo-yah! for a republican president to be reelected in the middle of a war must mean he's doing a pretty fantastic job of things, dontcha think? i told the newspapers, "i earnestly believe that the consequences of this day's work will be to the lasting advantage, if not the very salvation, of the country," but i was totally talkin out of my butt when i said it. luckily, ever since i gave that speech at gettysberg (sp?), they've been quoting me verbaitum no matter what i say. i gotta start watchin my words more carefully!

mary and i are going to celebrate by getting totally wasted and then doin the wild thing. (the former is a prerequisite for the latter.) perhaps the festivities will be to the lasting advantage, if not the very salvation, of our crappy, crappy marriage. par-tayyyy!!!

sherman shermight help me get reelected

september 3, 1864

mood: tentative
listening to: my wife complain

so sherman totally conquered atlanta yesterday. he sent me a telegraph that was like, "atlanta is ours, and fairly won," whatever that means. seems like you didn't really win it "fairly" if you set the place on fire, which i happen to know is what he's planning on cuz he's a total pyro, but whatever. i like his moxie!!

i don't wanna sound all selfish but i totally hope capturing atlanta helps me get reelected. i'm a little peeved that one of my army guys, george mcclellan, is running against me, and it's even more annoying that he's sorta winning right now, the bazzztard. everyone's like, "we just want this war to be over, and maybe a new prez will help with that." whatev! like if you were running a marathon, halfway thru you might wanna swap out your legs for a new pair that hadn't been trained and had no marathon experience. that would be whack! if i loose the election, we're hosed. don't they see that?!!??!??!?11?!?

generally

june 16, 1864

mood: irritated
listening to: battle hymn of the republic

OMG, robert e. lee is being a total butthead. when this whole thing first started, i was like, "let's agree to disagree." but now it's totally p'ing me off. a couple weeks ago my idiot general grant screwed the pooch and let lee kill like 7,000 of our guys at cold harbor, virginia. 7,000! and i gotta sign letters of condolence to all their widows and mothers and crap.

and then yesterday, we blew it again, and we lost our chance to capture petersburg and cut off the confederate rail lines. woulda been nice, the confederacy not having access to trains, since trains are like the only way to get stuff. but nope, we let em keep their railway. wasn't that nice of us?!?! :rolleyes:

sorry to be such a b-word, but this civil war is so not civil! LOL